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Sunday, May 28, 2017

Parental Alienation Syndrome

By Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC & C.R. Zwolinski

Parental Alienation Syndrome is real. It devastates and destroys. And more and more children, grown-up children, and targeted parents are coming forward to speak about their pain.

Parental Alienation Syndrome may be caused by one of the more damaging forms of child abuse you never heard of. And because PAS often involves the abuse of the legal system too, the courts are beginning sit up and take notice.

Poison Parents Or, as Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish so aptly calls them, Amputative Parents. What are they? They are parents that seek to damage, destroy, deconstruct or even completely end their child’s relationship with their (former) spouse. In a nutshell, PAS is a syndrome caused by a specific type of abuse whereby one parent seeks revenge upon another, and will stop at nothing, to get that revenge. They will manipulate and abuse their children and exploit and lie to their children, family members, police, lawyers and the court system to effect that revenge.

A twelve-year study by the Family Law section of the American Bar Association showed that PAS abuse occurred to at least some extent in nearly 60 percent of divorces (the extent to which it occurred ranged from mild to extreme). Even as little as three years ago, some people were denying PAS existed. And though it still doesn’t have it’s own section in the DSM, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The DSM deletes and adds syndromes in each edition. Today, more and more mental health professionals recognize that this is a very real and tragic problem.

Although PAS abuse usually occurs during or after a divorce, some argue that it can happen during marriages as well. In these cases, the parent “dumps” their problems with the other parent on the child or sets up “gangs” within the family.

In any case, the victims are first and foremost children who don’t usually realize what’s happening to them (if they are older, and have a longer-term history with both parents, they may understand at some level what’s going on). These children live with the loss of a parent that’s as painful and stressful as a death, but are not allowed to grieve. They are taught to stuff those feelings of grief and to turn that pain and their natural love for their parent into hatred.

War

The abusive parent is usually referred to as the alienating parent and the maligned parent is called the target parent. The alienating parent effectively (sometimes overtly, sometimes subtly), teaches the child to split. The target parent represents evil and the alienating parent represents perfection.

Children end up feeling so loyal to the alienating parent (often feeling that they have to protect him or her), that they subsume their own emotional needs in many cases. Even if the alienating parent emotionally or physically abuses them, the children will defend their actions. Because they perceive the target parent as having abandoned them, they want to avoid being abandoned again (by the alienating parent) at all costs. They’ll do anything to show their loyalty. They might curse, hit, not speak to, and exhibit other angry behaviors to the target parent.

The other victims, besides the children, are the target parents (and often grandparents). When mature target parents divorce, they want to avoid confrontation and prevent escalation in order to prevent further damage to the kids. But if the target parent doesn’t confront and expose the other parent, the abuse usually continues. It is a very painful spot for any parent to be in.

Last year we posted a very moving video of a young woman who is a survivor of PAS. And just last month, a distraught parent commented on one of our posts and posted the link to a very disturbing audio content of an abusive spouse/parent who was maligning a former spouse.

This is simply one of the most devastating kinds of abuse children can go through-they don’t have a chance to form healthy bonds with either parent and now that we have studied a generation in which this has happened, we can determine the effects are long-lasting. Although divorce is never a walk in the park for kids, emotionally mature and compassionate parents put the children before themselves and do their utmost to present a united front when child-rearing during divorce. PAS destroys any chance of normalcy.

The parent who has custody is obligated by law to avoid any disruptions in the children’s relationship with the other parent. However, a shocking number of custodial parents break the law by doing everything in their power to destroy their children’s relationship with their other parent by “forgetting” visitations, disrupting visitations in numerous ways, or simply moving, sometimes far away, and leaving no forwarding address.

Grandparents, Too

One of the tell-tale signs of potential Parental Alienation Syndrome is when the alienating parent prevents the children from having any relationship with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the target parent’s side. The alienating parent may malign the grandparents to the point where the children resist forming a relationship with them or they might set up impenetrable blocks to visits with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. In cases where target parents are cut off (such as when the alienating parent moves to another state or country) they’ll cut off the extended family, too.

Manipulating Others

Another tactic the alienating parent uses involves neighbors and community members. He or she might conscript them as allies against the children’s other parent before, during, and after the divorce.

How to tell if you are being used? You’ll hear stories that never quite make sense and there may be inconsistencies. Remember, an alienating parent is doing everything possible to cut off the relationship between the children and the target parent in order to punish the other parent. A common tactic is to accuse the target parent of things that are difficult or impossible to prove.

He or she is constantly seeking your sympathy and stoking your outrage because an alliance with you is necessary. You might be needed to reinforce the children’s image of the target parent as all bad. You might be needed to reinforce the lies. In many cases the alienating parent will enlist allies with specific qualifications and everyone from social workers to clergy members becomes their “best-friend” while the divorce and custody battles are going on. If your skills aren’t needed after the case ends you’ll be dropped. You’ll be told that “seeing you brings up painful memories” or your calls will simply not be answered.

The Sky... It has Roots Too! by Robert W. Mayhall

Get Help

What can you do if you an adult child who’s been the victim of an alienating parent? Call a therapist, especially one who has experience in this area. Some of the videos and other resources, below will be very helpful.

What to do if you are an adult who is the target parent? I recommend you get therapy yourself as well as seek top-notch legal help. Remember, though, the alienating parent is incapable of loving and caring for his/her children and will never put their needs first. Once the children find out how they’ve been manipulated and lied to, they will not only be struggling with the loss of their relationship with you, but will have to do a lot of inner work to accept that it was the parent who was supposed to protect and love them, who shattered their lives.

If you are the grandparent or relative of children (or adults) who is the victim of an alienating parent, speak to an expert and ask them what’s the best, safest way to help the children and maintain a relationship with them.

PAS is something that I have encountered many times. In the past couple of years, it is finally beginning to be recognized as the serious problem it is. I would like to share with you links to resources and information.

An excellent white-paper on the topic, required reading for anyone who’s been a victim (and anyone who’s even thinking about alienating their children from their other parent-the results will devastate your children and hurt them for their entire lives).

Our recent favorite, Toronto-based therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish, hits the nail on the head with a video response to an alienated son and a direct recommendation to alienating parents or anyone who is even thinking about becoming an alienating parent. (Here’s Victoria’s web site).

PAS expert, attorney Amy Baker’s essential book on PAS, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Although it’s intended readership is the grown-up child of an alienating parent, target parents, attorneys, judges, and therapists all can benefit from reading this candid and intelligent book.

A Family’s Heartbreak tells the personal story of PAS.

Here’s the moving video story an extreme case of PAS where one parent simply takes off with the child, cutting off all ties. It’s the case of Scott Becker and his daughter April,reunited after his daughter April was taken from him by her mom at the age of two months. (Grab some kleenex). As in some cases, reunion may not be possible for a variety of reasons until the child becomes an adult.

Video of speaker at Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation. The speaker (mentioned above), is lawyer, Amy Baker, who talks about the devastating consequences of PAS. It is an excellent introduction to PAS and is required viewing. Here is part 2, essential viewing to understanding the “head trip”, however there’s a caveat: the disdain for one parent and the absolute love for another depends on the age of the child and is rarely as black and white as it is presented here.

PAS Legal Discussion About Contact Blocking and Other PAS Behaviors

PAS Lawyer’s Page

PAS Viewpoints

A PsychCentral forum for victims of PAS.

PAS at PsychCentral

American Bar Association finds Parental Alienation in the majority of high risk custody cases.

A 12-year study by the American Bar Association found Parental Alienation in 60% of custody cases. That's just one of the many remarkable aspects of this article on PAS (Psych Central, 9/2011). The article, by Richard Zwolinski, is excellent for a number of reasons. First, he understands his topic and conveys his information in a way that's neither too technical and advanced nor too elementary. Second, it's got a number of good links. The linked-to video toward the end of the article should definitely be seen, particularly by PAS deniers. The woman in it describes her childhood in detail; it was a childhood in which her father relentlessly turned her against her mother. His campaign led her to totally reject her mother, even to the extent of assaulting her and saying "the cruelest things a child can say" to a parent. It was only when the woman grew up and had children of her own that she was able to understand what had happened and build bridges back to her mother.

But her story is remarkable for other reasons apart from its raw immediacy. For example, her father started his campaign of alienation during the marriage. Her mother was often away from the house due to her work, so there was ample opportunity for her father to pursue his alienation of his daughter. I've always thought of PAS as occurring during and after divorce, but that's not the case as the article and the video make clear. The woman's story draws a disturbing picture of the alienating parent. In her case, it became clear that her father was deeply disturbed, apparently narcissistic and believed that divorce would utterly destroy him.

Zepeda Family Father

His recruitment of his daughter was his attempt to secure another person as his ally and security blanket against the possibility of divorce which of course his alienating behavior helped to bring about. His campaign required his daughter to take sides against her mother and to suppress all feelings of love for her, need of her and desire to be with her. And that's one of the important things the article emphasizes - the needy alienating parent forces the child to abandon his/her own needs in order to meet those of the alienating parent. In so doing, the child becomes, in very real emotional ways, the parent of the parent. That, plus the loss of the target parent have profound effects on the child. The article rightly refers to that as PAS abuse, because it does long-term damage to the well-being of the child.

In any case, the victims are first and foremost children who don't usually realize what's happening to them (if they are older, and have a longer-term history with both parents, they may understand at some level what's going on). These children live with the loss of a parent that is as painful and stressful as a death, but are not allowed to grieve. They are taught to stuff those feelings of grief and to turn that pain and their natural love for their parent into hatred...

Children end up feeling so loyal to the alienating parent (often feeling that they have to protect him or her), that they subsume their own emotional needs in many cases. Even if the alienating parent emotionally or physically abuses them, the children will defend their actions. Because they perceive the target parent as having abandoned them, they want to avoid being abandoned again (by the alienating parent) at all costs. They'll do anything to show their loyalty. They might curse, hit, not speak to, and exhibit other angry behaviors to the target parent.

The child of course is the primary victim of parental alienation. It's the child who must "stuff" his/her feelings; it's the child who loses a parent; it's the child who ends up feeling responsible for the well-being of the alternator. But the target parent is a victim too. That parent loses contact with his/her child and is placed in the very difficult position of, on one hand not wanting to cause the child the stress that contact with the target parent brings, and on the other hand knowing that the child needs to know the truth about the target parent. Interesting too is the article's connection of visitation interference with PAS.

The parent who has custody is obligated by law to avoid any disruptions in the children"s relationship with the other parent. However, a shocking number of custodial parents break the law by doing everything in their power to destroy their children's relationship with their other parent by "forgetting' visitations, disrupting visitations in numerous ways, or simply moving, sometimes far away, and leaving no forwarding address.

Of course it's not just the target parent who's removed from the child's life; it's his/her extended family as well. So the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are all placed beyond the pale. In short, PAS begins to look a lot like parental abduction which is itself a form of PAS. There are still people who are desperate to marginalize PAS as "junk science" invented solely to deprive mothers of their children. That point of view isn't junk science, it's just junk. Read the articles, click on the links, listen to the videos and what you'll find is a huge body of scientific literature on PAS and the deeply compelling personal stories of men and women who have been scarred for life by their alienation by one parent or the other. I'd love to hear one of the PAS deniers explain to those people that their experience wasn't real.

Understanding PAS, its use by narcissistic parents, it's terrible effects on children and how to deal with it legally and psychologically are all coming to the fore. Gradually we're coming to grips with the parental behavior and its effects on children. Those who deny the existence of PAS or who misrepresent what it is stand in the way of history. Soon enough, they'll be shoved aside. That will happen for many reasons, one of which is that parental alienation seeks to remove one parent from a child's life forever. To that the woman in the video gives the one and only final answer - "Children need both parents."